Semester Over... Here Come Finals...

I can't believe the fall semester is already over. It went by really quickly and there's no turning back. I can't go back and try to spend more time with friends. I can't go back and work harder in classes. It's over. And I have to move on.

This semester has been especially difficult. My classes haven't been too bad, but everything else has seemed to be difficult. I think it's been a pretty spiritually dry semester. A lot of apathy. But each week I go to the sophomore small group that I help lead, and I am humbled and brought back to the reality of the cross. Those girls have been one of the biggest highlights of the semester--I always look forward to my time with them. They teach me SO MUCH. God is gracious despite my frequent disobedience.

I think it's also been a difficult semester socially. Again, apathy pokes it's nasty head in and takes over my mind. I wish I had invested in my relationships with my friends more. But I didn't. I don't want to dwell on it--I just want to have the desire to do so in the present and the future. I can't change my choices of the past.

It's almost winter break, and that is a bit frightening to me. Going home is not always my favorite thing to do anymore. There always seems to be some sort of family drama left behind or gossip that I get so tangled up in. I'm in such a different place now... and I'm so glad. But I am looking forward to moving. My mom's moving to Seattle in less than one month, and I couldn't be happier for her. She is going to be so much happier up there, and I'm excited for her to have a new start! There will be difficulty for me--not having friends there and the conflict of going there versus going back to Fortuna. But it's going to be wonderful! I love new beginnings and changes.

Anyways, just a little rant as I take a break from writing papers. God is good and his steadfast love endures forever. So grateful for that. Love. Love. Love.

Crossroads

Just got back yesterday from a conference called Crossroads. Basically, it was an approach to Biblical decision-making along with thinking through some options for post-graduation.

I have so much to process that I don't even know where to begin. I could fill so many pages in my journal, but where do I start? I think my biggest take-away from the weekend is that I don't have to be 100% confident with my decision for how to spend my time immediately post-grad because no faith would be required at that point. God will direct me, and He will redirect me. In the meantime, I just need to make a decision and just do something. Anyways, more processing to come.

BUT, another really sweet aspect of the weekend was getting to connect with friends who went to Turkey with me this last summer. Ahhhh so good to see them! They brought me so much happiness just seeing their faces. I can't wait to see them again next month!

Other thoughts on my mind. Hm. I want to go to Chico. It's just a matter of when I'll go. Maybe January? Maybe December? I don't know... but I'm excited. :)

The End of a Difficult Week....

Whew, this has been quite the crazy week. It's been difficult, but not bad, and God has definitely been glorified.

On Wednesday, I found out that a brother in Christ, Jared Sylvester, has osteosarcoma, a type of cancer in the bone. He's only 21 years old... so young! I never imagined at the age of 20 that one of my peers would be experiencing this tremendous life change. I'm still in shock, to say the least. But through this all, God has been lifted up and magnified like crazy! Jared's faith has been so strong, and he has been encouraging all of us so much. I constantly want to encourage him and love him well, but he is constantly the one encouraging me! Oh God, you are sovereign and good in the midst of painful circumstances, and you never change. That has been so difficult for me to comprehend, but I just want to rest in Him and know truth in the midst of doubting times for myself. God is great... all the time!

I've also been having my own health problems (of course, not nearly as serious). I've been having some extreme fatigue for the last month or two, and I've been having focus problems. I finally went to the doctor yesterday, and this morning they confirmed that something turned up in my tests, but they're not 100% finished looking yet. In a weird sense, I hope they find something... just so I can have some sort of solution. In the meantime, exercise, a good diet, and de-stressing are my recommendations. Oh doctors...

And lastly, I'm so grateful for Lizz Brown. I got to talk to her a couple of days ago, and she is just constantly encouraging me. I love how I can confess my sins to her, and all of my struggles, and she doesn't judge me, but loves me in the midst of it. God has allowed me to have such a beautiful friendship with her, and I'm so thankful! Oh, and she's coming on Veteran's Day weekend!!! :)

School, Life, Friends

I'm a college student, but I'm starting to realize that school is not going to be my life while I'm here in Berkeley. It's definitely part of it (it has to be), but it isn't my life. Lately I've been taking a Sunday Sabbath, and it has been so rewarding. I think I regain perspective on my life every week, if that's possible.

I've just loved so many things recently, but it hasn't been without its struggles and pain. I love getting to help "lead" the sophomore women's small group with Rachel... mostly because I feel like I learn so much from the women every week! They should really be leading this, not me. But I'm so grateful to be part of it. :) And I have just really enjoyed connecting with people lately. I love one-on-one time with people... groups are definitely not my ideal place to be I'v learned. There's just something about the depth that's possible in a relationship with someone that I can't help but love!

But relationships also come with lots of pain and struggles. Lots of tough family stuff that I've been dealing with lately, in a good way I suppose. It's funny how I think that something is finally dealt with... and then it comes up again. I'm realizing that there are some aspects of my life that I can't eliminate, so I better start embracing them and working hard toward mending them. And pain will never go away while I'm on this earth. But God has been teaching me so much through it! Ah, such a mysterious Creator. :)

I got to see lots of friends in the last few weeks! I got to spend a few hours in SF with my freshman small group leader, Jess Tang, a couple of weeks ago, and just got done spending another wonderful day with her today. :) Ah, she is so wise and such a joy. And I also got to spend a night in SF with Lizz Brown last weekend! Ah, it was so good catching up and seeing how the Lord is working in her life right now. She is such a beautiful example of a woman seeking the Lord with all her heart, soul, and mind. And lots of random visits from Elda this weekend. :) So fun!

Anyways, I'll end with this. Just read it last night, and it stopped me in my tracks. It's from The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller. It's referring to the sons in the Parable of the Prodigal Son:

"If, like the elder brother, you believe that God ought to bless you and help you because you have worked so hard to obey him and be a good person, then Jesus may be your helper, your example, even your inspiration, but heis not your Savior. You are serving as your own Savior."

So powerful. That's all. :)

New School Year

I've been thinking a lot about how I want this year to be. All of the fun I want to have, and how much I desire to deeply connect with women on my campus. I want to love Jesus more, and I want to have my faith taken to a new level. I don't want to ever feel ashamed of the Gospel. I never want to shy away from saying what God has been doing in my life... even with non-believers. I want to be an example of a Christ-follower... not just someone who says they are a Christian.

I'm excited to be co-leading a Bible study for the sophomore women this year, but, not gonna lie, a little nervous. What if I don't know all the answers? What if I totally screw up? What if I lack because I don't know the Bible cover to cover? Oh, but this is SO incredibly humbling. It's true, I don't know all the answers. I am a screw up. But I lack NOTHING because of Christ. I get the chance to be dependent on God in yet another aspect of my life! Praise the Lord!

I want to be reaching out to classmates this semester. I'm taking three classes with people who I know aren't believers. I want to love genuinely, and I want to share Christ with them. But how do you do that in a classroom setting? I'm still learning. But if I follow Christ whole-heartedly, people will notice. And it takes a little boldness, and a LOT of depending on God. The Spirit does indeed lead us... so I want to be following his lead.

Ah, this is going to be a great year. Excited to start planning Fall Retreat with our wonderful staff lady, Bethany! May God be glorified. :)

Summer

Wow, my summer has been all over the place. I expected to come back from the Middle East, go to Seattle for a week, and then be left at home the rest of the summer. I was afraid of being bored out of my mind because there's nothing to do in little Fortuna. But then came an incredible opportunity. I got to be a counselor at TLC (a Christian camp that I attended for many years) for two weeks!

I had the opportunity the first week to be with 8th and 9th graders. Whew, they were a challenge. I learned a lot about patience and dependence on God this week. BUT, praise the Lord, one of the girls came to know the Lord! It was sweet getting to talk to her throughout the week. She had packed up all of her things one morning, and she was convinced she was going to leave. When I saw this, I asked her if I could go on a walk with her. We walked and talked about life. (We have a lot in common because we are both still struggling with having divorced parents.) She then proceeded to tell me that she believed in God, and often brought her struggles to God, and she wanted Jesus to be her Savior. So she repented and asked God for forgiveness and for Him to control her life. Later that night, I started talking to her again, and, in the middle of the conversation, she started crying. But she was smiling. I asked what she was thinking about, and she told me that she knew things were different. She knew that life wasn't going to get any easier necessarily, but she also knew that she had this new hope that she never had before. PRAISE GOD! (P.S., she didn't end up going home early.)

The next week was very different because I was with 6th and 7th graders, and they were just cute as can be. They were so much fun, and I had much more patience. But it was sweet to interact with them. One girl in particular, who goes to my home church, really knows the Gospel. I can tell that she isn't someone who just knows all of the "facts", but she realizes the significance. For a 7th grader, that's pretty awesome. :) I know that she will continue to grow.

And then, the past few days have been kind of a whirlwind too. I saw my brother and Brittney down in San Jose, and that was a lot of fun. But then I got to see a friend who went to Ocean City with me last summer. He's from New Jersey and goes to school in Chicago, so I never expected to see him again, but I did! It was sweet, but definitely too short. :)

And that's all. Well, not really. But it's time to skype with Frances, so I better end this soon. :)

I'm a terrible blogger...

So, it has been brought to my attention that I'm a terrible blogger! I created this to blog while I was overseas... and I didn't. Oops! Well, I returned to the states on the 27th, and I got home last night.

I'm still experiencing a lot of culture shock. I never thought that a Tall tea at Starbucks would feel so big or that American food would seem so inferior to others. I am happy that I never have to pay to go to the restroom, and I have never been so happy to use a washing machine as I was today!

Anyways, my experience overseas was unbelievable. I don't think I can even begin to describe it well. Hopefully you got my update emails so I don't have to completely fill you in on all of the details. But basically... I think that God is calling me to go back in a couple of years, after I graduate. As of now, I have no idea what better way I could serve Him and be obedient to Him.

It was extremely hard to leave and come back to the U.S.. Mostly because I see such a need. There are so few people who have heard the Gospel there, and so few laborers. And it is such a long process for someone to become a believer there, so there's a need for long-time laborers. I really cannot see myself anywhere else. So... possibly more updates in a couple of years? You never know... :)

Saying Goodbye to Berkeley

It has been a busy week of hanging out with good friends and getting to spend time together and finally not have to think about school! But on the flip side, I've also had to say goodbye to so many--some for the summer, some for who knows how long. I just watched my roommate, Frances, move out her final boxes and drive away, and it's such a bittersweet time. I'm so excited for her to go to Chicago on Summer Project because I know that the Lord is going to do such beautiful things in and through her, but I'm also going to miss her so much. We had a day full of so much fun including the Botanical Gardens, Cheeseboard Pizza, and Chuck E Cheese, and I was reminded of how much life and joy she brings to my life. I honestly have no idea what I would have done without her here this year. She was here to celebrate with me, comfort me, play with me, and live life with me. As I confirmed earlier today, she is my best friend in Berkeley.

I hate goodbyes. So much. But I realize that they're not really goodbyes most of the time. They're usually see you laters. For some, that means see you tomorrow. For others, see you in the fall. And for many, see you in Heaven.

Now I'm preparing myself to say my last goodbyes in the next couple of days because I leave Berkeley on Monday morning. For some reason, leaving myself doesn't seem nearly as difficult as watching others leave. I'm not sure why. But I'm also excited because I'm going to say so many hellos in the next week. I'll be meeting my team for Project, and, in less than a week, be in a country I've never been in before. I guess then I'll be saying some "merhabas". Oh man... life seems to be going by so quickly...

Faithful

So today is May 12. That means I leave for Project in less than two weeks! So insane! I can't believe it... I really can't. 

I'm finally done with support raising. Just in time!  It's actually quite amazing how I finally finished it up. I sent a letter to my uncle (who is not a believer) who immediately objected to my going to the Middle East. Within a couple of weeks of his first objection/call to my mom, he called my mom and asked how much I had left to raise. She told him, and he said that he wanted to write a check out for that much to finish up my support. What?! How did that happen? His heart completely changed about the situation! I was in awe immediately. And then I remembered... God is so faithful. He uses amazing people in amazing ways in order to be faithful to His children. Ah, it's so amazing!

And now I'm finishing up the semester... I have my two finals tomorrow, and then I'm done! Reflecting back, I'm quite pleased about the year. The Lord did some crazy things in my life, and a few things were flipped upside down, but I grew so much because of them, and God was ALWAYS faithful, and I know He always will be.

Summer is almost here!

Oh my goodness! I can't believe it's almost summer. I just finished up classes yesterday, and now just two more weeks of pushing forward, and it'll be summer! And this beautiful weather is really adding to this antsy-ness of getting out of school.

Well, it has been a great week, although SUPER busy! Our last upperclassmen small group was on Tuesday, and it was so cool to hear where each of us will be at some point this summer, and how God's light really will be brought to the WORLD! We had a dessert thing on Wednesday night for all of us ladies who are going on Summer Project this summer! So encouraging to hear where everyone's at, and it's great to see that we're all going to such different places. CHICAGO, OCEAN CITY, ALASKA, EAST ASIA, AND THE MIDDLE EAST! Such a beautiful picture.

And Thursday night we had our Senior Send-Off. Such a sweet time of reflecting over my times with the three seniors in Cru, but definitely pretty sad too. Of course, I shed a few tears, but I have no doubt in my mind that God is going to use them in incredible ways and in such different ways.

And last, but certainly not least, I'm at 90% of my support!!! I'm so close. I have another few weeks to finish up support raising, and I have full faith that God will provide. It's amazing to see how generous people have been, and I am so grateful for those who are prayerfully and/or financially supporting me to go to the Middle East. Countdown: 23 days! So excited :D

Spring Break

So I began my Spring Break by getting surgery (yay, it's over!), but it definitely got better from there. I had the opportunity to hang out/have coffee with a couple of women who have been so influential in my life. A childhood teammate's mom/chauffeur/Sunday school teacher and a best friend's mom/small group leader. Two beautiful women seeking the Lord. Ah, and they have so much insight on life and walking well with God. Never have I heard of such tremendous faith in the midst of painful circumstances. It was one of those times where I was instantly humbled. I love the way the Lord uses different people in my life to shine Himself so bright that I'm blinded. Blinded by His glory.

Now I'm back in Berkeley and ready to see what the Lord has planned next. Trying to finish up the semester strong, but, after Spring Break, it is SO DIFFICULT to be motivated. Gotta keep moving though...

Support, Surgery, and Spring Break!

So, I wanted to give an update on how my support is doing for my Summer Project in the Middle East. I'm officially 1/3 of the way done! Woo hoo! Thank God I am already this far. I hope that I can continue to trust God throughout this process.

Also, surgery is on Friday afternoon, and my doctor actually said it won't be too bad. It shouldn't take more than 45 minutes, and I might be able to walk within a week or two. Yesss!

AND, it's almost Spring Break! Just one more day of classes (including a huge midterm for my hardest class and a pretty big test in another class), but I can do it. I can see the break in this seemingly long tunnel. Yay! :)

Amazing Grace

In the last week, I have heard the word "grace" or studied it in one form or another probably five of those days. I continue to be amazed at how much grace God has bestowed upon us. I am so unworthy of any grace because I have so much sin in my life, and I really don't deserve to be in God's presence because of His perfection and holiness. BUT HE STILL SAVED ME! And he continues to lavish his grace on me every single day.

When I think about this, I realize how often I forget that there is grace in my life. Aside from God's infinite grace, I continue to receive grace from people around me. Once again, although I am really undeserving of it, they continue to give it to me. And I begin to realize how little grace I give to others. I often forget, or don't think about, how much grace has been given to me, and how I don't deserve it, and I sometimes don't give an ounce of grace to others.

BUT, there's grace! As I continue to learn more about this and really dwell upon it, God continues to bless me and teach me, and I am becoming so incredibly humbled by it.

Surgery

So I'm getting surgery in 13 days, and I'm starting to get really nervous about it. Before, I was pretty nervous... but now I'm starting to second guess my choice to do it. I'm ready for my bone to be removed because it's been bothering me for far too long, but I'm not ready for the post-surgery pain and lack of mobility.

ALSO, as I think about going on Project in less than three months, I'm just not sure if it will be healed in time. I don't want it to be giving me pain when I'm there, and I don't want to become a weak link on my team. BUT, this means that I have so much more reason to be depending on the Lord. I can't heal my foot, only He can, but I can be dependent on Him for strength and patience. I am an extremely impatient person, so I have no choice but to present my anxieties to God and allow Him to give me patience.

On an extremely positive note, I've finished my support letters, and they're all sent out/ready to be sent out! And, praise the Lord, I'm already at 23% of my support goal! As Rachel would say, Praise God!!!