You never know. You really don't. And there's no way to prepare. You can have the knowledge in the world, and your heart can still break. You can foresee it, and it will still be hard. You cannot take away the pain.
My grandfather passed away last night. I had the beautiful chance to go into SF yesterday afternoon and spend a couple of hours sitting at his bedside, praying for him, praying over him, and talking to him. He was in a coma at the time, and he didn't know English, but I know the Lord could hear me. Maybe 15 minutes after I left the hospital to grab dinner with my uncle, aunts, and brother, my grandpa left.
I believe a lot of things are true. First, I think that God was being so gracious to me and my family when He allowed us to say goodbye and leave before my grandfather passed. None of us could imagine witnessing his last breath. I also believe that God is good. He is just. He is gracious. He is merciful. He is sovereign. He is loving. He is omnipotent. He is my comforter. He is my Savior. He is my shepherd. God is good. All the time. And these truths about God are unwavering. No circumstance can change them. They are God. They always have been. And they always will be.
At this point, I don't have much to say. My grandfather passed before ever meeting Jesus. How to wrestle with that, and talk to my non-believing family about it, seems impossible. Praying that God will give me understanding, wisdom, guidance, truth, and love. Desiring the utmost compassion during this time.
Thank you for your prayers!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Surrender
The name of my blog is "surrender." When I made it, I think I thought it was a good idea. This idea of surrender in the Bible... seems reasonable, right?
The more I mature in my Christian faith, the more I realize that surrender entails and encompasses more and more of my life.
Yesterday my dad was in a car accident. He was driving really early in the morning (5am), and he hit a spot that was really icy, and his car turned on its side, only stopped by the tree it hit, miraculously having his life spared by the Lord. I found all of this out right before the small group I was leading. Topic of the small group: dying to self.
As an internal processor, it didn't immediately hit me. In fact, I'm still very much processing. But I think the Lord is asking me to surrender this to him. There's a cost to follow Christ--it's no easy task. But dying to one's self means identifying with Christ and experiencing life. We are to put nothing else before our Lord--not our parents, siblings, children, careers, educations, etc. He must be the One who reigns.
Immediately when I found out that my dad was in the accident, I was worried about him spiritually. He's not a follower of Christ, and I was instantly overwhelmed by this. What has the Lord called me to do that I have been resistant to do?
So as I think more about this, I must surrender my desire for control over my dad's life up to the Lord. I must realize that there are certain things that I must give to God and know that He is sovereign. I cannot control life or death situations, and I surely can't control if people come to Christ or not. But I can be bold and courageous by sharing Christ's love, the cure to the sin disease, and being obedient to Him, and I can believe in my God's goodness and sovereignty, surrendering to Him in light of these attributes.
The more I mature in my Christian faith, the more I realize that surrender entails and encompasses more and more of my life.
Yesterday my dad was in a car accident. He was driving really early in the morning (5am), and he hit a spot that was really icy, and his car turned on its side, only stopped by the tree it hit, miraculously having his life spared by the Lord. I found all of this out right before the small group I was leading. Topic of the small group: dying to self.
As an internal processor, it didn't immediately hit me. In fact, I'm still very much processing. But I think the Lord is asking me to surrender this to him. There's a cost to follow Christ--it's no easy task. But dying to one's self means identifying with Christ and experiencing life. We are to put nothing else before our Lord--not our parents, siblings, children, careers, educations, etc. He must be the One who reigns.
Immediately when I found out that my dad was in the accident, I was worried about him spiritually. He's not a follower of Christ, and I was instantly overwhelmed by this. What has the Lord called me to do that I have been resistant to do?
So as I think more about this, I must surrender my desire for control over my dad's life up to the Lord. I must realize that there are certain things that I must give to God and know that He is sovereign. I cannot control life or death situations, and I surely can't control if people come to Christ or not. But I can be bold and courageous by sharing Christ's love, the cure to the sin disease, and being obedient to Him, and I can believe in my God's goodness and sovereignty, surrendering to Him in light of these attributes.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Rest
In the midst of a really busy week, I'm trying to figure out what rest looks like. I'm getting to the point where I'm physically completely exhausted and drained. Like tonight, I'm hoping for at least 5 hours of sleep. Hoping! I'm the type of person that gets at least 8-9 hours of sleep every night. I have no idea how I'm even functioning.
But, in the midst of this all, I don't feel anxious. I know I'm busy, and I know I'm tired, but the Lord is being so good to me in allowing me to stay calm and be able to rest in new ways. I'm learning the importance of resting my mind and resting my soul. So, though I'm not taking a lot of breaks, I'm able to work diligently and have my heart at rest.
And the Lord desires for us to rest and do things with joy. It's been sweet to see the Lord provide me with the ability to feel rested because of my lack of anxiety, and feel joyful while doing schoolwork, sitting in staff meetings, etc.
On another note, we just had our staff secret Santa, and Dustin got me a beautiful mug with tea. I'm overjoyed, to say the least! :)
But, in the midst of this all, I don't feel anxious. I know I'm busy, and I know I'm tired, but the Lord is being so good to me in allowing me to stay calm and be able to rest in new ways. I'm learning the importance of resting my mind and resting my soul. So, though I'm not taking a lot of breaks, I'm able to work diligently and have my heart at rest.
And the Lord desires for us to rest and do things with joy. It's been sweet to see the Lord provide me with the ability to feel rested because of my lack of anxiety, and feel joyful while doing schoolwork, sitting in staff meetings, etc.
On another note, we just had our staff secret Santa, and Dustin got me a beautiful mug with tea. I'm overjoyed, to say the least! :)
Monday, December 5, 2011
Ahhhh!
Well, that's probably a bit dramatic, but that's kind of how I feel right now. Slept 5 hours last night, had lots of staff training today which was awesome (though emotionally and physically very draining). 2 hour break where I worked on a paper (almost done!), and now I'm off to a shepherd team meeting. Tomorrow lots of meetings and a fun staff dinner, Wednesday lots of meetings and a fun Secret Santa, and Thursday more meetings and our Christmas party. Somewhere in there I'll be writing, writing, writing.
In this, I'm realizing how thankful I am that I live in the apartment next door to my campus directors. I'm so blessed to be able to live here, and it's becoming very apparent this week as I bounce back and forth and am able to use my time effectively.
Praying that I'll get some sleep tonight and be able to depend on the Lord so much this week (because I really have no choice if I want to maintain sanity). Update: I get to write sweet papers in my classes, and I'm currently finishing one in my Islam class about the Islamic response to Christianity's claim of Jesus as God, the Son of God, and that he was crucified. Praying that the Lord will use this to reach my professor, and that He would hear God's voice and see the truth and the light!
In this, I'm realizing how thankful I am that I live in the apartment next door to my campus directors. I'm so blessed to be able to live here, and it's becoming very apparent this week as I bounce back and forth and am able to use my time effectively.
Praying that I'll get some sleep tonight and be able to depend on the Lord so much this week (because I really have no choice if I want to maintain sanity). Update: I get to write sweet papers in my classes, and I'm currently finishing one in my Islam class about the Islamic response to Christianity's claim of Jesus as God, the Son of God, and that he was crucified. Praying that the Lord will use this to reach my professor, and that He would hear God's voice and see the truth and the light!
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Studying and Worship?
It's finals time. Well, soon. I've been slowly beginning to write papers, take-home finals, and study for my in-class final. And I remind myself that I am to do everything for the glory of God.
That's this abstract thing that I heard over and over ago a few years ago but had no idea what it meant. But the Lord is revealing to me that it's more than just worshiping God during church, small group, and my daily times with him in the Word and prayer, but I am to worship Him in the every-day things that I do. And one of those every-day things right now is studying.
So how do I worship God as I write my paper for Islam? Or work on my take-home final for sociology of development and globalization? Well, I begin by prayer. It's my seventh semester, and I'm finally learning the value of this. I'm far from being perfect at it, and I often forget. But when I orient my heart posture in a way that is pointed toward Christ before I open my books or open my Word document. I ask the Lord to show me more of Himself, and I pray for His wisdom and than Him for my ability to take classes and have the intellect to learn in this way during this season of my life.
And I learn more and more that it's all about Him. That I can do my schoolwork with excellence for His glory, not for the sake of getting good grades and, thus, having a pride booster. He allows me to be here, and He gives me my abilities, and all praise and glory are His!
Love the Lord with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.
That's this abstract thing that I heard over and over ago a few years ago but had no idea what it meant. But the Lord is revealing to me that it's more than just worshiping God during church, small group, and my daily times with him in the Word and prayer, but I am to worship Him in the every-day things that I do. And one of those every-day things right now is studying.
So how do I worship God as I write my paper for Islam? Or work on my take-home final for sociology of development and globalization? Well, I begin by prayer. It's my seventh semester, and I'm finally learning the value of this. I'm far from being perfect at it, and I often forget. But when I orient my heart posture in a way that is pointed toward Christ before I open my books or open my Word document. I ask the Lord to show me more of Himself, and I pray for His wisdom and than Him for my ability to take classes and have the intellect to learn in this way during this season of my life.
And I learn more and more that it's all about Him. That I can do my schoolwork with excellence for His glory, not for the sake of getting good grades and, thus, having a pride booster. He allows me to be here, and He gives me my abilities, and all praise and glory are His!
Love the Lord with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.
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