Perspective

So I went to Seattle to visit my mom and have since then experienced and learned quite a bit. I got here at 8:24am yesterday, and it's only 9:30pm today... just 37 hours I've been here. Weird how God can teach someone so much in such little time.

First, life. We never know how long we will have here on this earth. God has His timing, and we never seem to agree with it. I know that I often think things like... "but God, he doesn't deserve it!" or "God, he's so young... that's not fair" or "God, did you make a mistake? I'm not ready". I have this idea that death is the worst thing possible. I think it's something to dread. But it doesn't have to be!

A man whom I've known for as long as I can remember passed away since I've gotten to Seattle. He had been battling cancer for many years, and the Lord finally took him home. When I learned of this, I felt so many different emotions. I began by just feeling really sad and upset. But then I thought of how much faith Scott had. How much he trusted the Lord during the time when he was sick was incredible. I know that he is with the Lord right now, and, because of that, I can do nothing but rejoice! In a sense, I have this jealousy for Scott. He is with our Creator right now! The God that brought him into this world is bringing him to be in perfect communion with Him! How glorious!

Though I rejoice, I also have deep grief over Scott's death. Scott was a lovely man. He was always so positive and loving, and he cared about others so much. And it is, indeed, difficult to see such a man leave this earth. His family and friends are grieving, but how beautiful that we can also rejoice in this time.

During this time, I've also learned a lot about bringing my questions to the Lord. And bringing all of my emotions. And allowing God to comfort me. Being in Seattle without my Christian bubble of friends to surround me and comfort me. Though friends can try with their words, God is the only one who can satisfy me.

I'm often so resistant to God as a comforter. I think it might be because I struggle with wanting to be independent. I want to always figure things out on my own, without God's help. And I struggle, struggle, struggle, fail. And then I go to God when I'm desperate, and humble. And He comforts me... more than any human being ever could. So why does it take me so long to go to Him?! Ah, my stubborn, prideful self comes out again. And this is another reason why I love the Lord so much. He takes me as I am. All of me. My brokenness. My pride. My stubborn self. And He loves me unconditionally. And He comforts me. And He brings me joy. Oh God, you are so beautiful!

Home Sweet Home?

I just got back from Humboldt where I spent just 38 hours, not including the ten hours of travel to get there and back. To say the least, it was a whirlwind of a weekend.

I had originally anticipated that the weekend would be for support raising. However, because of my lack of motivation to make calls and people's busyness, I wasn't able to meet up with anyone. A little discouraged entering the weekend, I wasn't sure what to expect. However, Jenna and Andrea came up there with me (both their first time there). At least I knew I could look forward to spending time with them since I always love hanging out with the two of them, independently of one another as well as together.

And the weekend was not a disappointment by any means. Though I had no appointments, I had a really fun time. 

Our Itinerary for the Weekend:

Friday 

4:15: Drive to Fortuna (stop at In N Out, Costco gas, and Safeway)

10:15pm: Arrive at Marshalls'--hanging out with Ben, Drew, and Chauncey

Saturday

10:30am: Tour of Clendenen's Cider Works

11:00am: Walk around FUHS

11:15am: Walk around Main Street/take pictures with trees by Rohner Park/say hi to people I knew waiting for the parade

12:00: RODEO PARADE

1:15pm: Ferndale--Pizza Co., Main Street, trying on ridiculous hats, going to Girlie Girl's, etc.

3:30pm: McFlurrys

3:45pm: Harry Potter!

6:30pm: Dinner at my dad's

8:30pm: Bon Bonierre ice cream/Carson Mansion

9:30pm: Return to Marshalls' and hang out with Ben

Sunday:

10:00am: Hydesville Community Church

12:00pm: McDonald's for the road!/return to Berkeley

Among things on our "mems" (memories) list were:

*Cheap Harry Potter tickets

*Doing a cheer at FUHS for Andrea and Jenna (and them laughing at me... maybe an "anti-mem")

*Getting candy at the parade

*Alien on a horse at the parade

*Small horses (aka goats) in the parade

*Bon Bonierre ice cream

*McFlurrys

*Taking pictures with trees
*Wallace

Some "anti-mems" (things that disappointed Andrea and Jenna):

*My not wearing a witch hat to Harry Potter

*My not holding the band banner in the parade

*Sitting at the parade between groups of children and being ignored by candy throwers upon them looking at us and judging our ages

Anyways, it was a really fun weekend. Though we did a lot of things, I think I most treasured the relationships that were furthered through this time. Relationships with Andrea, Jenna, and even Ben. Ya know, God has really blessed me in the area of friendships. He is teaching me things through them, and I believe that He is making me more like His Son through them. I'm challenged, stretched, encouraged, loved, and I'm constantly reminded not to take myself so seriously.

And through this weekend I learned a thing or two about home. Home. It's this weird word that I typically had associated with a physical place. But now I'm reminded that, as cliche as it may sound, home is where the heart is. Though I know that my home is in heaven, God has also given me many mini-homes here on earth. Though I have no physical home in Fortuna anymore, part of my heart will always be there, and I hadn't realized that really until I went back this weekend. God has truly truly blessed me. All praise to Him!

When Grace is Shed on Me

God is gracious. SO gracious. Last week was a hard week for me for so many reasons. But I gave it to the Lord and asked Him to change my heart. I asked God to show me Himself. I asked God to make me painfully humbled and to trust in His faithfulness. I did not ask God to make everything easy--I asked Him to show me more of Himself. And that's precisely what He has been doing.

I don't deserve any gifts that the Lord gives me. I have received the most beautiful, sacrificial, loving gift that one could ever receive--the gift of LIFE that comes through Christ alone. God didn't have to give me that, but He graciously did. And He is continuing to bestow His gracious gifts on me.

As I've previously said, He has graciously given me a community in Berkeley. Not just friends, but a community. A place where I feel safe to share my heart--whether I'm experiencing the Lord or need prayer and reminders of His beauty and love. A place where people are praying for me and a place where others feel comfortable asking me for prayer. Love. I've been feeling it, and I thank the Lord for His gracious gift of friendship and community.

And God has also been providing for me in support, despite all of my lack of trust and disobedience to Him. Again, something I definitely did not deserve one bit--but in His goodness and graciousness, He has been providing. And I am humbled. Humbled that all of this is a gift of God, and, in turn, I love that He is calling me to turn it all to Himself. It's not mine. It's never been mine. It's always been His. And He beautifully deserves it.

God is glorious. God is good. God is faithful. God is gracious. That's the God I worship! And I will sing praises to Him all my days!

"For the ministry of this service [the service of giving] is not only supplying the needs of the saints, but it is also overflowing in many thanksgivings to God. By their approval of this service, they will glorify God because of your submission flowing from your confession of the gospel of Christ, and the generosity of your contribution for them and for all others, while they long for you and pray for you, because of the surpassing grace of God upon you. Thanks be to God for his inexpressible gift!" -2 Corinthians 9:12-15

Just Some Thoughts

It was only a matter of time before support raising would be difficult and I would be truly challenged to make the choice of if I should trust in God's provision or not. This week has been hard. Hard for a lot of reasons.

I'm just so busy. Though I feel like a lot of things that I do aren't really very big, somehow my time just gets consumed by everything around me. Today I was out all day and I came back just so exhausted. I think I need to grow in my ability to say "no" to things, and I need to be good about time management for the next month or so.

However, today Evangeline and I went prayer walking around campus and then went sharing. It was such a sweet time of relying on the Holy Spirit and trusting God by sharing His beautiful Gospel. Oh how in need of my Savior I am! Oh what a beautiful Savior He is! We get to serve GOD! How sweet is that?! The Holy One. The Redeemer. The Alpha and Omega. The Holy Trinity. PRAISE HIM!

God's Confirmation

This week has, thus far, been the best week yet this summer. I honestly have no complaints yet. Aside from experiencing the Lord in a completely beautiful light on Saturday when I had a long quiet time with Him, He is also showing His presence in so many other ways. So here's a breakdown of my week so far.

Sunday: After church, Andrea and I went on a little adventure using our bus passes (trying to use them to the max since we already paid for them). We started in Berkeley on Telegraph and first went into Oakland via the 1. We figured out where to get off by counting to 600! Surprisingly, counting to 600 doesn't take very long, so we didn't get very far. Then we jumped onto the 57 and took it down to Emeryville; the last stop of the line. There, we had lunch at a Japanese restaurant (which was delicious!), and then we jumped onto the F to go into the City. It was a beautiful day where we got some frappuccinos and walked along the piers. It was so fun getting to just walk and talk, and stand in silence. It was calm, and the weather was gorgeous, and I was in great company. I couldn't have asked for more. The adventure to get back to the bus stop, however, was a little unknown, since I wanted to stop in China Town first to get a bo lo bao. Mmm!

Monday: Last night I had the opportunity to go to dinner with a young woman that contacted Emily through our Cru website. Since Emily's gone, her email was passed on to me, and I was excited to meet her. Evangeline is studying at Cal for six weeks this summer, and she is from Singapore. She is involved with her Cru movement at her university in Singapore, and she even interned for two years. She was extremely encouraging! She told me more about herself, her journey with the Lord, and the ways the Lord has been working in her life recently. I have never been more encouraged through meeting with someone I had only just met. I know that God is going to use her in incredible ways during her final three weeks in Berkeley, and when she returns to Singapore. He has already used her in crazy ways in my own life. I left after an hour and a half with joy and excitement and such anticipation for when we will see each other again next week!

Then I came back and got to Skype with Brooke for an hour or an hour and a half. Again, such an encouragement. God, again, used her to encourage me and remind me of His greater plans for our lives than we have for ourselves. She's off to Turkey again (this time leading the team), and I know that God is going to work in her and through her. I can't wait to hear how it is!

Summer Pt. 2

There are still so few people in Berkeley! It's actually really weird. Andrea's gone for the day, and Jenna went home this weekend, so I'm all alone in their apartment. It's super quiet and lonely. However, I went on a nice swim this morning, and I went to a coffee shop to have a quiet time for a couple of hours, and skyped with Michelle. So my boring day is not so boring! I am tired though. Tired from not getting to sleep in all week (including today.. but that was ok!), tired from support raising/calling lots of people, and tired from not having a set-in-stone schedule for anything, with the exception of work.

But, all in all, I'm just so glad that I'm here this summer. Though quiet, I have gotten the opportunity to spend such sweet time with Andrea. I wonder if she'll ever read this... or if she ever reads my blog... Anyways, I will go so far to say that it was God's divine plan for us to be together this summer, specifically these two weeks when everyone else is gone. Had our other friends been here, we wouldn't have been hanging out so much. But since they're not, we have gotten to spend so much time together! Favorite part... she's a great listener! (She even listens to my hour-long rants!) And God is creating her into such a beautiful godly woman. She is really encouraging (despite her mean exterior at times), and she has shown herself to be a great friend. How can I really complain about my summer at this point? God has cultivated a great friendship between us!

Anyways, and something I'm learning. I'm learning about having my palms open wide to God. By this, I mean that I often (still now) hold my palms closed very tightly. I hold onto all of the things that I want in life (my comfortable lifestyle, my relationships, my time, my time with God, etc.), and I try to keep it to myself. Recently, however, I've found that I'm not in as much control as I thought I was. Because my grip has been so tight, God has been having to pry open my hands from time to time to take things away from me. It's been hurting because I'm holding so tightly onto it. However, God is good and He has the best in mind for me. He wants control... and I need to learn to give it. I know that He has jewels that He wants to give me, if I just open my hands and graciously accept them, with full knowledge that they're not mine, but fully His. So, keeping my palms wide open still.

I want to open my palms up to the Lord. I want to let Him give, and let Him take away. I want to surrender it all. I want to show Him that, without Him, I'm only holding on to empty things. But He provides riches that cannot compare to what I hold.

Summer Pt. 1

So summer has officially started. Well, it started awhile ago, but it's hard to remember that since the weather has been so terrible. But anyways, my summer thus far...

After finals were graduations. Whew. I attended two ceremonies (Eugene's and Rebecca's) and also worked at one (GWS). Lots of speeches, lots of clapping, and names, names, names. All very different from one another. Anyways, that's not too exciting, so I'll move forward.

I went to Humboldt last weekend. I drove up with my mom (which was nice), and I got the chance to surprise my best friend, Lauren, for her 21st birthday! Boy, was she surprised! I had been planning it with her family for many weeks, but she had no idea. Needless to say, it was a great weekend!

But I also went up for support raising. That was also AWESOME. I got to sense the Lord working in me and through others so much during my appointments. Specifically, one appointment stands out. My appointment with Scott and Julie, two former neighbors (since we just moved away... saddd). God is doing so much in and through them right now; it's unbelievable! The Holy Spirit is so present in their lives, and they are living completely out of the Lord's strength. It's absolutely beautiful. The appointment turned into two hours of being encouraged by them! They encouraged me with Scripture, with Truth, and through prayer! They also left me with two questions to ponder as I consider my own relationship with the Lord. Who knew it would be such a sweet time of fellowship?! God is so good!

And now I'm back in Berkeley. Just had a week of work, spending time with friends, and some more support raising. Ya know, it's pretty quiet in Berkeley over the summer. Everyone in my apartment has, more or less, moved out, and one subletter has moved in. So quiet. BUT, although some of my friends that I usually spend the most time with are gone, I'm getting to spend so much time with new friends! Specifically, God has allowed me to fellowship with some AACF people, and it's been SO MUCH FUN. I'm realizing how valuable fellowship is and how thankful I am that I'm a believer in Jesus Christ and I get the opportunity to experience deep friendships that are centered on Jesus Christ!

Meh, nothing profound. Just some thoughts.