Decision-Making

I've come to the realization that I have so much trouble making decisions. I'm so fearful of making the wrong decision, that I often try not to make any decision at all... which is also making a decision (and usually a poor one!). But I've finally made a decision, and I feel very confident in it.

I realized I could graduate a semester early if I took a class over the summer. It was a very appealing option to me at first. I would be taking classes for four fewer months, I would be able to tell people that I graduated in 3 1/2 years and not 4, and I would be able to start my life.

Ha. Little did I initially realize that God has put me here for a reason. He has called me to Berkeley for a much higher calling than taking classes. I don't cherish this short time as I should... and I was trying to make it even shorter! My pride was creeping in, and this supposed plan post-graduation was non-existent. Oh goodness. Sometimes I laugh to myself about these things... quite literally.

After much time resting and waiting on the Lord, I've decided to finish through the four years. I want to also give this summer up to Him--whether it be in Seattle or overseas--and I want to give him my entire fourth year too. And I think I'll need that extra time to seek Him and find out where He wants me post-grad... at least as much as He's ready to tell me and I'm ready to hear.

And ministry. It honestly saddened me thinking that I would be leaving this ministry a semester early. The Lord has been working in beautiful and crazy ways, and I want to continue to see that and be part of it next year! I want the Lord to use me for His glory!

Break/New Semester

Oh man. I fail at blogging. I never remember to do these things.

Well, my break was so good! I got to spend awesome time with family, including a much missed Chinese dinner for Christmas made by my mom. Oh man. This is a time when I'm SO GLAD I have a Chinese mother. :)

Winter Conference: My third Winter Conference, and it was still awesome! Definitely wasn't feeling going down there after spending such good time hanging out with my mom, Damien, and Brittney, but I made it down there, and God really met me where I was at. He challenged me a ton, and I got this extra boost of excitement for intentionality in prayer, sharing God's love with others, and the possibility of going overseas again this summer (and probably after I graduate!). After almost missing my flight home, I got back to Fortuna...

Fortuna: I was so afraid of going back home where there seems to never be anything to do. But I got to spend such sweet time catching up with high school friends (Lauren and Jen!) and new friends in Humboldt who I've met since leaving for college (Ryan and my dad's new wife, Kim!)! Oh, and I was moving... did I mention that? Packing boxes. Box after box after box. And it looks like nothing has been done! And I ended the week by waving goodbye to my house. Permanently leaving my hometown that I've lived in since before birth... such a weird concept!

Chico/Ventura/Merced: I got to end my break spending a week in Chico staying with Lizz at the Girls' Cru House! So fun and so refreshing--and I met a ton of people! I think my favorite moments were some hikes I went on and long walks. I realized how much I love and value one-on-one quality time with friends. Oh, and I got to experience some pretty delicious food... can't go wrong there. And then we were off to David and Casey's wedding---one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced. My first wedding where Christ was at the center of a marriage--exactly the way it should be. Oh God, you're so good. I definitely teared up (figures I would...). And then back up to Merced I went with some great friends from Turkey, and then back to Berkeley.

Berkeley: So here I am now. After so much traveling, I'm settling down. And I'm experiencing God in such a beautiful way now! Intimacy. That's the word I'd use right now. God is showing me so much about sitting and waiting on Him to lead rather than leading and waiting for Him to follow. Definitely praying and waiting on lots of decisions--part-time intern next year? Go abroad over the summer? Go abroad post-graduation? But He is sovereign over it all and forever faithful, and I can rest in that.

Semester Over... Here Come Finals...

I can't believe the fall semester is already over. It went by really quickly and there's no turning back. I can't go back and try to spend more time with friends. I can't go back and work harder in classes. It's over. And I have to move on.

This semester has been especially difficult. My classes haven't been too bad, but everything else has seemed to be difficult. I think it's been a pretty spiritually dry semester. A lot of apathy. But each week I go to the sophomore small group that I help lead, and I am humbled and brought back to the reality of the cross. Those girls have been one of the biggest highlights of the semester--I always look forward to my time with them. They teach me SO MUCH. God is gracious despite my frequent disobedience.

I think it's also been a difficult semester socially. Again, apathy pokes it's nasty head in and takes over my mind. I wish I had invested in my relationships with my friends more. But I didn't. I don't want to dwell on it--I just want to have the desire to do so in the present and the future. I can't change my choices of the past.

It's almost winter break, and that is a bit frightening to me. Going home is not always my favorite thing to do anymore. There always seems to be some sort of family drama left behind or gossip that I get so tangled up in. I'm in such a different place now... and I'm so glad. But I am looking forward to moving. My mom's moving to Seattle in less than one month, and I couldn't be happier for her. She is going to be so much happier up there, and I'm excited for her to have a new start! There will be difficulty for me--not having friends there and the conflict of going there versus going back to Fortuna. But it's going to be wonderful! I love new beginnings and changes.

Anyways, just a little rant as I take a break from writing papers. God is good and his steadfast love endures forever. So grateful for that. Love. Love. Love.

Crossroads

Just got back yesterday from a conference called Crossroads. Basically, it was an approach to Biblical decision-making along with thinking through some options for post-graduation.

I have so much to process that I don't even know where to begin. I could fill so many pages in my journal, but where do I start? I think my biggest take-away from the weekend is that I don't have to be 100% confident with my decision for how to spend my time immediately post-grad because no faith would be required at that point. God will direct me, and He will redirect me. In the meantime, I just need to make a decision and just do something. Anyways, more processing to come.

BUT, another really sweet aspect of the weekend was getting to connect with friends who went to Turkey with me this last summer. Ahhhh so good to see them! They brought me so much happiness just seeing their faces. I can't wait to see them again next month!

Other thoughts on my mind. Hm. I want to go to Chico. It's just a matter of when I'll go. Maybe January? Maybe December? I don't know... but I'm excited. :)

The End of a Difficult Week....

Whew, this has been quite the crazy week. It's been difficult, but not bad, and God has definitely been glorified.

On Wednesday, I found out that a brother in Christ, Jared Sylvester, has osteosarcoma, a type of cancer in the bone. He's only 21 years old... so young! I never imagined at the age of 20 that one of my peers would be experiencing this tremendous life change. I'm still in shock, to say the least. But through this all, God has been lifted up and magnified like crazy! Jared's faith has been so strong, and he has been encouraging all of us so much. I constantly want to encourage him and love him well, but he is constantly the one encouraging me! Oh God, you are sovereign and good in the midst of painful circumstances, and you never change. That has been so difficult for me to comprehend, but I just want to rest in Him and know truth in the midst of doubting times for myself. God is great... all the time!

I've also been having my own health problems (of course, not nearly as serious). I've been having some extreme fatigue for the last month or two, and I've been having focus problems. I finally went to the doctor yesterday, and this morning they confirmed that something turned up in my tests, but they're not 100% finished looking yet. In a weird sense, I hope they find something... just so I can have some sort of solution. In the meantime, exercise, a good diet, and de-stressing are my recommendations. Oh doctors...

And lastly, I'm so grateful for Lizz Brown. I got to talk to her a couple of days ago, and she is just constantly encouraging me. I love how I can confess my sins to her, and all of my struggles, and she doesn't judge me, but loves me in the midst of it. God has allowed me to have such a beautiful friendship with her, and I'm so thankful! Oh, and she's coming on Veteran's Day weekend!!! :)

School, Life, Friends

I'm a college student, but I'm starting to realize that school is not going to be my life while I'm here in Berkeley. It's definitely part of it (it has to be), but it isn't my life. Lately I've been taking a Sunday Sabbath, and it has been so rewarding. I think I regain perspective on my life every week, if that's possible.

I've just loved so many things recently, but it hasn't been without its struggles and pain. I love getting to help "lead" the sophomore women's small group with Rachel... mostly because I feel like I learn so much from the women every week! They should really be leading this, not me. But I'm so grateful to be part of it. :) And I have just really enjoyed connecting with people lately. I love one-on-one time with people... groups are definitely not my ideal place to be I'v learned. There's just something about the depth that's possible in a relationship with someone that I can't help but love!

But relationships also come with lots of pain and struggles. Lots of tough family stuff that I've been dealing with lately, in a good way I suppose. It's funny how I think that something is finally dealt with... and then it comes up again. I'm realizing that there are some aspects of my life that I can't eliminate, so I better start embracing them and working hard toward mending them. And pain will never go away while I'm on this earth. But God has been teaching me so much through it! Ah, such a mysterious Creator. :)

I got to see lots of friends in the last few weeks! I got to spend a few hours in SF with my freshman small group leader, Jess Tang, a couple of weeks ago, and just got done spending another wonderful day with her today. :) Ah, she is so wise and such a joy. And I also got to spend a night in SF with Lizz Brown last weekend! Ah, it was so good catching up and seeing how the Lord is working in her life right now. She is such a beautiful example of a woman seeking the Lord with all her heart, soul, and mind. And lots of random visits from Elda this weekend. :) So fun!

Anyways, I'll end with this. Just read it last night, and it stopped me in my tracks. It's from The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller. It's referring to the sons in the Parable of the Prodigal Son:

"If, like the elder brother, you believe that God ought to bless you and help you because you have worked so hard to obey him and be a good person, then Jesus may be your helper, your example, even your inspiration, but heis not your Savior. You are serving as your own Savior."

So powerful. That's all. :)

New School Year

I've been thinking a lot about how I want this year to be. All of the fun I want to have, and how much I desire to deeply connect with women on my campus. I want to love Jesus more, and I want to have my faith taken to a new level. I don't want to ever feel ashamed of the Gospel. I never want to shy away from saying what God has been doing in my life... even with non-believers. I want to be an example of a Christ-follower... not just someone who says they are a Christian.

I'm excited to be co-leading a Bible study for the sophomore women this year, but, not gonna lie, a little nervous. What if I don't know all the answers? What if I totally screw up? What if I lack because I don't know the Bible cover to cover? Oh, but this is SO incredibly humbling. It's true, I don't know all the answers. I am a screw up. But I lack NOTHING because of Christ. I get the chance to be dependent on God in yet another aspect of my life! Praise the Lord!

I want to be reaching out to classmates this semester. I'm taking three classes with people who I know aren't believers. I want to love genuinely, and I want to share Christ with them. But how do you do that in a classroom setting? I'm still learning. But if I follow Christ whole-heartedly, people will notice. And it takes a little boldness, and a LOT of depending on God. The Spirit does indeed lead us... so I want to be following his lead.

Ah, this is going to be a great year. Excited to start planning Fall Retreat with our wonderful staff lady, Bethany! May God be glorified. :)