Summer Pt. 2

There are still so few people in Berkeley! It's actually really weird. Andrea's gone for the day, and Jenna went home this weekend, so I'm all alone in their apartment. It's super quiet and lonely. However, I went on a nice swim this morning, and I went to a coffee shop to have a quiet time for a couple of hours, and skyped with Michelle. So my boring day is not so boring! I am tired though. Tired from not getting to sleep in all week (including today.. but that was ok!), tired from support raising/calling lots of people, and tired from not having a set-in-stone schedule for anything, with the exception of work.

But, all in all, I'm just so glad that I'm here this summer. Though quiet, I have gotten the opportunity to spend such sweet time with Andrea. I wonder if she'll ever read this... or if she ever reads my blog... Anyways, I will go so far to say that it was God's divine plan for us to be together this summer, specifically these two weeks when everyone else is gone. Had our other friends been here, we wouldn't have been hanging out so much. But since they're not, we have gotten to spend so much time together! Favorite part... she's a great listener! (She even listens to my hour-long rants!) And God is creating her into such a beautiful godly woman. She is really encouraging (despite her mean exterior at times), and she has shown herself to be a great friend. How can I really complain about my summer at this point? God has cultivated a great friendship between us!

Anyways, and something I'm learning. I'm learning about having my palms open wide to God. By this, I mean that I often (still now) hold my palms closed very tightly. I hold onto all of the things that I want in life (my comfortable lifestyle, my relationships, my time, my time with God, etc.), and I try to keep it to myself. Recently, however, I've found that I'm not in as much control as I thought I was. Because my grip has been so tight, God has been having to pry open my hands from time to time to take things away from me. It's been hurting because I'm holding so tightly onto it. However, God is good and He has the best in mind for me. He wants control... and I need to learn to give it. I know that He has jewels that He wants to give me, if I just open my hands and graciously accept them, with full knowledge that they're not mine, but fully His. So, keeping my palms wide open still.

I want to open my palms up to the Lord. I want to let Him give, and let Him take away. I want to surrender it all. I want to show Him that, without Him, I'm only holding on to empty things. But He provides riches that cannot compare to what I hold.

Summer Pt. 1

So summer has officially started. Well, it started awhile ago, but it's hard to remember that since the weather has been so terrible. But anyways, my summer thus far...

After finals were graduations. Whew. I attended two ceremonies (Eugene's and Rebecca's) and also worked at one (GWS). Lots of speeches, lots of clapping, and names, names, names. All very different from one another. Anyways, that's not too exciting, so I'll move forward.

I went to Humboldt last weekend. I drove up with my mom (which was nice), and I got the chance to surprise my best friend, Lauren, for her 21st birthday! Boy, was she surprised! I had been planning it with her family for many weeks, but she had no idea. Needless to say, it was a great weekend!

But I also went up for support raising. That was also AWESOME. I got to sense the Lord working in me and through others so much during my appointments. Specifically, one appointment stands out. My appointment with Scott and Julie, two former neighbors (since we just moved away... saddd). God is doing so much in and through them right now; it's unbelievable! The Holy Spirit is so present in their lives, and they are living completely out of the Lord's strength. It's absolutely beautiful. The appointment turned into two hours of being encouraged by them! They encouraged me with Scripture, with Truth, and through prayer! They also left me with two questions to ponder as I consider my own relationship with the Lord. Who knew it would be such a sweet time of fellowship?! God is so good!

And now I'm back in Berkeley. Just had a week of work, spending time with friends, and some more support raising. Ya know, it's pretty quiet in Berkeley over the summer. Everyone in my apartment has, more or less, moved out, and one subletter has moved in. So quiet. BUT, although some of my friends that I usually spend the most time with are gone, I'm getting to spend so much time with new friends! Specifically, God has allowed me to fellowship with some AACF people, and it's been SO MUCH FUN. I'm realizing how valuable fellowship is and how thankful I am that I'm a believer in Jesus Christ and I get the opportunity to experience deep friendships that are centered on Jesus Christ!

Meh, nothing profound. Just some thoughts.

Brokenness and Families

I think every person thinks their family's a little crazy. Most people wonder why their family has so many problems or has so much drama or just simply is. I've never felt this special feeling like my family has ever had it all together. Maybe when I was younger--before I was 10--I actually thought my family was normal. We seemed happy. Everyone all together at Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and many many birthdays. And from the perspective of a child, everything seemed picture perfect.

But then there was so much brokenness that occurred on my dad's side of the family and continues on today. I haven't been with my entire family in one room since my cousin's wedding a few years ago (and that was among hundreds, if not a thousand, other people). No more Christmas or Thanksgiving together because everyone seems to have an issue with everyone else

And then there's my mom side. Where do I even begin? Brothers who won't talk to my grandfather, an aunt who resents having to take care of my grandparents alone, and us... the ones who seem white... obviously culturally not Chinese and can't even speak Cantonese. My brother and I... the ones who've never communicated with my grandfather beyond hand gestures and simple words like "thank you" and "hello". And I've never once been with all of my family on my mom's side... not even for my grandmother's funeral four years ago tomorrow.

My grandfather (Hong) had a stroke a few weeks ago and no longer has feeling on his right side. Physical pain. This always seemed to be the way that a family would come together and finally start to appreciate one another and appreciate our relationships that we have. This was the hope that I had at least. But even something like this became divisive and caused resentment to be dominant in my aunt's heart, and confusion dominant in mine. I haven't visited him yet, though I will tomorrow, because I cannot speak to him. I cannot communicate with him and I simply don't know what to do. I never got to sit with him and hear stories about his life. In fact, I know very little about his life due to my mom's lack of interest in asking. I will never know my maternal grandfather, and that breaks my heart.

All of this just reminds me of how broken we are as human beings. Misunderstandings, selfishness, pride, and frustration... they all keep us from being able to love each other in the fullest sense. Our relationships are so broken. We are broken. And what reminds me time and time again that I have hope that my brokenness one day will be restored is the hope of Jesus Christ. The hope that I have that I will be in Heaven one day, in perfect harmony and communion with the Father. With endless joy and without burdens. Perfect love.

1 Corinthians 1: Wisdom

"For Christ did not send me to baptize, but to preach the gospel, not with wisdom of words, lest the cross of Christ should be made of no effect"..."But of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God; and righteousness and sanctification and redemption..." (1 Corinthians 1:17, 30).

I just started studying 1 Corinthians today. Started with the first chapter of course. These verses really stuck out to me. Wisdom of words. I am not an eloquent person. I speak with very simple words, and I have a very small vocabulary. Something I've always been very self-conscious about. I also have difficulty articulating my thoughts. Again, another thing I've always been self-conscious about. But, alas, the Lord tells me that it's not about wisdom of words. I will not win hearts for the Lord through my words. God will win over the hearts of men. No one else. This is such a relief. For some, this may be very convicting. However, for someone who has difficulty conveying my thoughts through words, this is so reassuring. And it's also been great to remember that God has used me in the past to share his gospel, and I definitely have not had the most eloquent of phrases or words. But God reached the hearts of many, and to Him goes all of the credit.

And as for the second part. Verses 30-31. Jesus is God's wisdom. Last year, Arijaan Bulk (whom I'm going to miss so much when she leaves Cal soon!) recommended I read David Guzik's commentaries on Blue Letter Bible when I wanted a little more insight into a verse. I love that he says, "True wisdom doesn’t have to do with “getting smart”; God’s wisdom is received in and through the person of Jesus". That's it. Ahhhh such a comforting thought.

It's funny. I've read this chapter so many times, but never has it stood out to me as much as it did this morning when I was reading it. To God be all the glory.

Delighting in the Lord

"Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret nor yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!" -Psalm 37:3-7

What does it look like to delight in the Lord? Who am I delighting in? What am I delighting in? My sole satisfaction must be in the Lord and nothing/no one else. Although I should have joy and be grateful for the things God has provided, my delight must always be rooted in the Lord.

If you're sitting here reading this, read all of Psalm 37. It's beautiful. The Psalms are beautiful. God's Word is beautiful.

What's Popular?

The world can be so interesting sometimes. I've been realizing a lot this year that, just as there are clothing fads that go in and out of style, there are also political fads that go in and out of popularity. For instance, in high school, I remember that the genocide in Darfur was the hot topic. Who really ever talks about Darfur anymore? For those who won't see it on the news, there is still war and conflict occurring in the region. But why don't we care anymore? Because it's not the hot topic right now.

In the past year and a half I've seen a few  new popular fads:
Haiti, Chile, Egypt, Libya, Yemen, Oman, Iran, New Zealand. But now it's Japan.

Now, I don't want to downplay putting Japan on the news. I think it's absolutely devastating that lives are being lost, probably at this very moment. However, I do want to draw attention to the fact that all of these other countries that we once had our attention drawn to are now being forgotten. And for those who never even got on the news... they matter also, even if we don't have economic interests there.

I think that we have political ADD. Our easily influenced minds and hearts are turned in every direction that the media and our peers decide to lead. Although I'm definitely not an expert on politics by any means, my hope is that we would be aware of the things happening in the world and that our heart would burn for all of the people affected. Not just the people affected by the current disaster but the ones who are still affected by all of the ones that we've seemed to have left behind.

My prayer is for the nations. Would our hearts be turned to the Lord, and would He be guiding us, not the media.

Honoring God, Honoring Parents, Part Two

So, if you read my previous post, you may wonder (or already know by now) what I was talking about. I was really wrestling with two options last week. One, should I go overseas this summer, and two, should I stay in the States. There were really only two options. My mom really wanted me to go stay in the States because she had a deep fear of the danger of me going overseas, considering what's going on in the Middle East. But I really feel the Lord calling me to the Muslim world, and I thought this was a beautiful opportunity to go and share Christ with people there. But, ultimately, I knew how much I needed to honor my mom, and, through honoring my mom, I really pray that I'm honoring the Lord (and I think I am).

In this time, God has given me a tremendous calm and peace about the situation. He's given me new perspective and, for maybe the first time, I was challenged to honor my mom in a significant way, and I did it. I tend to be so selfish and think that my opinions should be the guiding opinion of my life, just following the Lord's (usually I think it's following the Lord's). However, I'm finally learning what it means to surrender my own selfishness and become selfless for others' sake. I didn't realize how much I struggled with this... but I really do!

However, in the midst of all of this, I also realized that my student intern app had the due date of... today! So I hurried away finishing that, and I'm really seeing the Lord's hand in that also. I'll be able to support raise over the summer, and possibly even stay in Berkeley for the first time. God really is so sovereign. In addition, I woke up this morning to see that all of my references are turned in and my app is officially complete! I don't know how they did it, but four beautiful women finished my references in just a couple of days! Ah, so thankful for them.

In one week I learned more about God's sovereignty and His faithfulness than I have in a really long time. God is good. All the time.